"Let's get medieval, baby!"
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For the Love of Agape
A religious sex shop where devout Judeo-Christians can find the perfect accoutrements for a hot night for God.
By Robert Flynn
The monotheistic religions agree that begetting is God’s chosen method of human duplication. They also agree that the Creator made an almighty mistake. A better choice would have been clay-molding, rib-dubbing or Xeroxing, all of which are more hygienic, less disruptive, and not impregnated with sin.
Ironically, the major religions exhort their followers to be sexual novices before the consecration of marriage. The participants—one male, one female—are required to come to the union as amateurs, without apprenticeship or probationary period, and to approach the hymeneal bed as neophytes. Instead of providing thorough and reliable sex education before Wedlock, however, sexual ignorance is presumed to be marital bliss.
The Hindus have the erotic temples of the Chandelas that demonstrate more positions for intercommunication than you ever see on HBO’s Real Sex. However, the temples offer no guidance in honeymoon motel etiquette such as:
• Scheduling your one bathroom.
• What to wear to your first interconnection.
• Proper response to incompetent audacity.
• Showing limitless joy rather than limited effort.
• Demonstrating persistence as well as purpose.
In other words, it’s blessing, then guessing—flirtation without temptation, temptation without consummation, mingling without co-mingling, becoming a couple without coupling. This is somewhat like expecting a first-grader to become an instant expert in quantum physics, or expecting two artless people to find the happily-ever-after by handing them a map with the destination clearly marked, but no route provided.
Some believers have dared to take matters into their own hands, so to speak, by reading the love poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, studying diagrams in biology textbooks or watching cable TV. And others have gone so far as to provide a place where the sexually curious and morally devout Judeo-Christian can find the perfect accoutrements for a hot night for God.
For the Love of Agape Sex Shop, co-owned and operated by The Sons of Solomon’s Sales and the Daughters of Mary Magdalene Mercantile, provides Agape-approved accessories for exclusive use by religious couples who:
• Desire knowledge about intimacy before accepting the bonds of holy matrimony.
• Wish to approach marriage with holiness as well as heat.
• Wish to balance the passion for multiplication with the information necessary for successful completion of the task.
For the Love of Agape is for married couples (heterosexual couples married to each other) and those with serious intentions of getting married. Proof of engagement is required for browsing; recommendation from a parent or religious professional preferred. Marriage license required for some purchases. Common law and same-sex arrangements not accepted. Remember, “IF IT’S AGAPE, IT’S GOT TO BE GOOD.”
Agape-Approved Lingerie—New Specialties for the Daughters of Eve:
• Add a Cup demis and merry widows for Methodists and Reform Jews.
• Spellbound Angel bras and V strings with embroidered satin for Church of Scientology.
• Lace desire plunge bras and second skin satin fringe thongs for Unitarians, Episcopalians, and fallen away Methodists.
• Cross Your Heart and Thank God It Fits bras and Predestinarian Promise panties for Presbyterians.
• Fly Away Bras and Rapture Panties for Pentecostals.
• Barely There bras and double string bikinis with scripture references for United Church of Christers.
• T-shirt bras and thermal hot pant boy shorts with easy-to-read John 3:3 for Baptists.
• Black burka with matching black hajib, black all-encompassing bra and black full coverage bloomers for Muslims. Also comes in the more daring dark gray.
New Specialties for the Sons of Adam:
• Beefy buckskin maximizing boxers for Baptists.
• Big boy jersey knit boxers with full size seat for Methodists.
• Stone cold all-cotton hygienic drawers with open front for Presbyterians.
• One size fits all multidirectional loosey goosey underpants for Unitarians.
• Trap-door boxers for fallen away Methodists.
• Call-72-Virgins-and-Stand-Back Skivvies for Muslims (comes with pockets for explosives).
• Drunken Monkey camouflage boxers for Lutherans (comes with pocket for beer stein).
New Agape-Approved Sex Books:
• “The Illustrated Song of Solomon.”
• “The Complete Story of Adam and Eve,” with glossy photographs; comes in fig-leaf or no-fig-leaf versions, depending on your inhibitions.
• “Love Stories From the Bible”: Includes: Abraham and Sarah and Pharaoh; Isaac and Rebecca and Leah; King Solomon and Seven Hundred Wives and Three Hundred Concubines (diagrams included).
• “Loving with Authority” (for men only) by Rev. Richard Land.
• “The Women’s Sex Guide: Complete Submission for Complete Satisfaction,” by James Dobson.
• “Celibacy is Not a Hands-On Job: Or Play with Yourself, Play with Fire,” by Cardinal Ratzinger.
Agape-Approved How-to-Books:
• “Raising Lazarus: Help from God for Erectile Dysfunction,” by Jimmy Swaggart.
• “The Spotless Bride, Without Blot, Tumor or Wart,” by Marilyn Hickey.
Agape-Approved Magazines:
• “Pent-Up Housewife.”
• “ Slave Girl” (includes “Submissive Wife of the Month”).
• “Hustler For Jesus” (also available: “Hustler for Moses” and “Hustler for Mohammad”).
Agape-Approved Sexual Fantasies and Games:
• “Adam Discovers Eve, or Stand Back—I Don’t Know How Big This Thing Gets!”
• “David Watches Bathsheba at her Bath.”
• “Daniel and Potiphar’s Wife.”
• “Cleavage Play” (frontal cleavage only for Catholics; toe cleavage only for Baptists).
Agape-Approved Sex Toys:
• Virgin Lamb chastity belts.
• Chi Rho Cream for painless and sinless intimacy.
• Oil of Lourdes for sinless intimacy with the intention of conception (Guaranteed non- prophylactic).
• Pentecostal cuffs and Baptist bracelets for that feeling of complete submission Love Lash for Lutherans (complete with beer stein handle).
• Satin blindfolds so your right hand doesn’t know what your left hand is doing.
• Edible underwear (made of unleavened bread; wheat only.) New: in addition to the usual vanilla and fruit flavors, we offer specialties such as gefilte fish for Jews; lute fisk for Lutherans; haggis for Presbyterians; tuna casserole for Methodists; Lottie Moonpie for Baptists.
Remember, “IF IT’S AGAPE, IT’S GOT TO BE GOOD.”
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Robert Flynn is the author of 13 books including "Growing Up a Sullen Baptist" and "Slouching Toward Zion." His last piece for SoMA was The Most Famous Christian of the 20th Century?
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